Marriage – Adventure With Brendan

I Never Thought I Wanted To Fail At This

April 19, 2021Brendan Scott

In My Year of Becoming I’m Learning I Must Fail And Be Human

To err is human, but I want to be perfect. My therapist (does admiring I am in therapy break your perfect picture of me) reminded me that it is okay to fail because that means we are alive. Yet, I still strive to be perfect and I am failing at it. So I am learning how to become okay with failing.

Failure is not an option! The year I started teaching in the states I worked at a school that had posters all over the building telling our students that “Failure Is Not An Option!” By November we announced as a school that we were closing. We failed! Maybe if failure had been an option the school would have found success. I am learning that failure and success works like that.

I’ve been failing quite a bit lately. My sleep has been rather horrible. Fail. I haven’t been writing as much as I would like. Fail. I’ve let work make me feel like I am not good enough. Fail. I’ve not been much help to April (my wife) and my puppies in the morning while they are preparing for the day (see sleep failure). Fail. But mostly at being perfect. I am not sure where my perfection comes from, but I sure do have high expectations of myself. I want to get the perfect night sleep so I try to make everything right in my room. I have a ridiculous routine before bed that would make Adrian Monk seem normal. I like comfort and sleep, what can I say? So anything to help calm my anxieties, I try to do. Yet, having the perfect set up for sleep hasn’t always led to a full eight hours. That is where my therapist comes in. We were having a conversation about my frustration at not sleeping well again. I told him all about what I do (from journaling to taking melatonin) and he said I need to keep doing those things, but that it has to be okay if they don’t work. Failure has to be an option. I have to be able to go to bed and when my brain says, “Hey! Hey! Hey! Over here! Listen to me! I’ve got a thought for you! YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SLEEP! Now dwell on that for the next 10 hours! Goodnight!” I have to be able to think, okay, that’s fine. When I don’t fight back, I let God win the battle for me. This is a very kind thought, which is what my therapist is asking me to do. Being kind is to not pressure myself into perfection. Kindness helps me live in the moment and let go of my worries about the future. If I expect perfection and then fail, I am a mess.

This has allowed me to be gracious with myself when I have a bad day at work. Why should I worry about what my coworkers think of me? They are not the ones who define who I am. That is Christ’s role. Speaking of Jesus, His option of me is that of a friend and brother and he is the only one who lived a perfect life and yet things didn’t always go his way. Two weeks ago we celebrated Easter (April made a delicious carrot cake) at my parents house. It was amazing to be able to celebrate together because last year we were all in strict Covid isolation. Easter of 2020 was far from perfect and Easter of 2021 was no where close to a fail. I think living in-between perfection and disaster is human. Jesus brought that balance when he died for us. He asked God to not have him sacrifice his life, “not my will, but yours” he said. In a night of extreme anxiety, he prayed to have the cup pass from his lips. God didn’t grant him his wish and Jesus went to the cross for us and then three days later defeated death so that I could lie in bed telling God he needs to let me fall back to sleep! No, so I can be gracious to myself as I remind myself that I am loved and life in that freedom. It is this love that defines me and makes it okay to be a human who fails.

And so the biggest fail of the last two decades happened to me two weeks ago. I forgot to spend time in prayer. Fail! My brain was on fire at three in the morning, letting me know I had failed to spend time with God. Now, hear me out. I started reading my Bible and writing in a prayer book during my Freshmen year of high school. I wanted to look Godly and attractive to this girl I was digging on a mission trip to Costa Rica. God used my selfish desires to help build a strong relationship with Him instead of the girl.

I remained inconsistent in my Bible and prayer time until my sophomore year of college. I was on a mission trip to Belize and a strong desire to grow closer to Jesus prompted me to make a decision not to miss a day in pryer. I was struggling with feeling connected to the group I came down to Belize to serve with and I felt Jesus tell me he loved me and that he saw me as His friend.. If Jesus is my best friend, why would I not want to spend time with Him everyday day.

Seventeen years later I had not missed a day. God has used my quiet time to help me decompress, heal, and be filled with his love. Through my daily interaction with God I moved passed insecurities and addictions and I have come to know I am loved. This has set me free, especially when I fail. So when I awoke with the thought that I had not read my bible nor written in my prayer book, I rolled over and went back to sleep. Okay, I did briefly think about waking myself up all the way and spending time in prayer so I could “count” it for the missed day. I mean I didn’t even miss a day while in the hospital with pneumonia, which included two major surgeries. But why spend time in prayer if it is just to check a box? I do not need to be perfect for God to love me. Maybe if I fail more often I’ll feel that love because it is only in our fallen state that grace can come in. To forgive is Divine.

So I am learning to fail and forgive myself. This act of kindness covers me with grace which is like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to my body. This might free my writing up so that I do not worry about having the perfect blog. It will also help me love my wife better because she too is loved by Jesus and does not need a husband who is constantly worried about being perfect. So here is to failing.

April deserves a husband who is human and so is like my young puppies. They do not care that our backyard is in shambles right now, they have joy in their hearts because they are together. Also, they love that they can climb all over the fallen fence. They see life as an adventure and in adventures it is okay to become immersed in the mess. If I can love and live the way my puppies do, I can be live in joy with my wife because we are together. It won’t matter if I sleep or if my job is going perfectly. The mess of life will just bring out the beauty in us. So here is to failing inside the mess.

40 Years of Love

July 4, 2019July 4, 2019Brendan Scott

June came and went in a flash. But in-between, God moved. In the lead up to June I’d been excited about the upcoming celebration of my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary. When they met they were kids, literally. My dad was in the 8th grade and my mom was in the 6th. When they married they were hardly adults. And yet, 40 years later, they have a beautiful legacy of love.

Love is what highlights our lives. Love is what stops one day from rolling into the next without direction or meaning. Choosing love slows me down and helps me remember to live in the moment. Maybe I learned that from my parents.

Because of their choices I am part of a family who is founded in Christ’s firm love. And so we, meaning my entire family (Katie, Michael, and their crazy five kid crew made the trek as did my younger sister Emmy), celebrated them in the best way possible, up in the mountains. The mountains are love. They slow life down and help us know how much we are loved.

Being in the mountains gave us time to gather around a fire and laugh as we burned our marshmallows. It gave us time to have deep conversations about our struggles and triumphs as we built a 400 piece Peanuts puzzle only to realize at the end that the box only contained 397 pieces. The weekend was rainy but we made it outside for the hot tub and zip line. Spending Uncle time with my nieces and nephews was amazing!

I captured Emerson, the youngest, crawling for the first time. I told stories with Breck, in the story he was born a T-Rex but actually a Velociraptor. I played games and built puzzles with Addi and Linc. I even started a tickle fight with Treagan. Because my parents chose to love Christ and love each other day in and day out, I am blessed to be an uncle. But even more amazing is how my nieces and nephews choosing a life of love and freedom in Christ.

As June was rushing by, Linc, my oldest nephew, asked to be baptized. The morning of the big day he joined me in the living room as I spent time in prayer. He woke up early, came and sat on the couch, and asked me to help him start a Bible reading plan. I love that at eight he is making choices to live a life founded on love. His baptism was beautiful. I love Lincoln.

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My parents’ love has given me the ability to love my wife. April and I are set to celebrate our second wedding anniversary on the 7th of July. We are off on an adventure to England, Ireland, Scotland, and Amsterdam. What an adventure! My prayer has been that this next month doesn’t flash by, but that God stops us, opens our eyes and our hearts so we can experience His love.

Love is not scientific and so I have no clear idea how my parents did it, but, I would bet it all came down to their choices. Years ago when my parents were younger my dad took Katie and me on a hike. I was a baby and my older sister was old enough to complain about how difficult the hike was. My parents hadn’t packed any food, nor brought any water. We were miserable. My dad, in all his wisdom, created this beautiful simile, ” Life is like a mountain. You just have to choose to get over it.” Katie stated the obvious, “I hate life.” Yet in love, there are times when it is difficult and you just have to choose to move through it. My parents’ love is not a difficult mountain, it is warm, open, and consistent, and it, like my favorite mountains, has stood the test of time. I am so proud that each day they choose to love even when it feels hard. What an adventure!

I am sure if you asked either of them, the 40 years came and went in a flash. But in-between, God moved.

The Joy of 2017

December 31, 2017Brendan Scott

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As 2017 started, I had no idea how difficult this year was going to be, but I also had no idea how much joy it was going to hold as well. I began this last year just like many of you, making goals, but I also set the word of joy before me. One thing I have learned about joy is that if you want it, you have to fight for it. 2017 was no exception to this rule.

My job is a fulfilling one, but over the last year it has been a struggle to find joy as I teach. Many of my students live in severe poverty and their stories make my heart ache. One students’ parents struggle with alcohol and drug addictions so bad that the student had to flee in the night with all their possessions in black plastic trash bags. Another student shared a story of having to, at the age of 12, drive herself to school because her parents were each working one of their three jobs. Both of these students know the meaning of joy and their smiles have helped light up my classrooms. As they fight through the struggle that their lives are, they do not stop. So when my job became a struggle, I chose to be like them and to fight for joy.

Therefore in February, just as I was told my job was going to be cut, I flew out to California with April and proposed to her. She said yes! What joy!

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The disappointing school year ended and even though my job had been retained, I no longer felt wanted where I work. But I entered the summer with a coming wedding and joy filled the air. But we had to fight for that joy. Just like many engagements, ours was filled with drama. It seemed to pop out of nowhere, but it was hurtful and forced us to make a last minute change to our wedding party. However, one person’s attempt to steal the joy of our upcoming wedding only made me love April more. She never stopped caring for that person and it is that grace April shows to the people in her life that truly amazes me.

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My wedding day was a true adventure. Not the type of adventure like my bachelor party where an 800 pound black bear showed up to end the party, but a crazy string of events that nearly caused me to miss my wedding. April spent all day with her family and I stayed with mine. I shared a calm morning with my niece and nephews, trying to stay present in the moment and not worry about my wedding. About an hour before my groomsmen were to show up so we could meet Becky Rice, our photographer, I was packing my car with all that I would need for after the wedding. As I walked out to my Civic with the last suitcase I was surprised to find that my car was locked. I grabbed my keys and pressed the unlock button, but nothing happened. It was as if my car was dead, unlock-able with all of my wedding items trapped on the inside.

I ran inside to grab my spare key to see if it would work, but no luck. Time started to slip away. I tried calling Honda to see if they could help. No luck! As I was on the phone, Luke and Taylor, two of my groomsmen showed up. I gave Luke my car keys and said, “See if you can fix it.” Just as I was telling the Honda agent, “No I can’t have it towed into your shop today because I am getting married,” Luke came back downstairs and told me he had done a miracle.

With my dad, Michael, and Taylor as witnesses, Luke had walked up to my car, said a prayer to Saint Michael the archangel and then punched my car. It immediately unlocked. Joy returned! We were free to leave for my wedding, but then I couldn’t find my wallet.

We scrambled to search all of the locations I had touched only to give up thirty minutes later. We were already late and our photography session with Becky was slipping away. I hopped into my car, figuring I would just go wallet-less only to jump back out and run inside to find it in the last place I looked. I had left it in the drawer with my spare car key.

My wedding was the most joyous day of the year if not of my life. I know that God will grant me days just as joy-filled and maybe even more so, but dang my wedding was fun. As I drove to my wedding after finding my wallet and having my car miraculously unlock so we were free to leave for Hudson Gardens, I choose to live in joy and not take on the stress that had attempted to ruin my afternoon. April and I danced, we were able to eat our food, but the best part was the joy in knowing that April said, “I do,” to me.

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My wedding ended and as we left the reception, surrounded by friends and family who love us dearly I knew I would have to hold onto this joy. I know that through sickness and health, through the good times and the bad times I will need to remember the light of that night and the love Christ has given me to be able to choose to love and serve April. I will choose to fight for joy because I too said I do.

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Also, it turns out I needed my wallet. April accidentally left hers in her car and we wouldn’t have been able to check into our hotel room without a credit card and a form of identification. I laughed with joy as we made our way to our room.

That was July and the rest of our year has had ups and downs, but through it all God has taught me about His joy. If you want it, you have to fight for it. If you fight for it, it will be like having Christmas with a three year old. It will light your dark night and shine light into your day with a smile that will last for days.

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April and I shared our second Christmas together and we were awoken, okay I had been up since 3:30 because I love Christmas too much to be able to sleep, by Addi, Linc, and Breck. Their cries of joy and delight were so much fun to share in. Breck couldn’t stop running around in excitement. Who knew 6:30 in the morning could be so much fun, even Treagan was all smiles.

What a blessing of joy it was to share Christmas with my entire family. 2017 has been a year of joy for me, but I hope my readers understand that it was also a very difficult year. But there is a joy in my life that even in the darkest of nights, I will continue to fight for and I hope you do to.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and peace and joy be with you!